GlitterBellRock
* The life of the Happy Fun Ball, not the life of the owner. Owning a Happy Fun Ball automatically reduces your life-expectancy by 13 years.

Shockeye
*We guarantee this will end your life.*

JohnSteed
It guarantees that all the channels on your cable television will play Lifetime.

DocktorD
The Happy Fun Ball lifetime guarantee is not offered in the following states and areas: AL, AK, AR, CA, CO, CT, DC, DE, HI, ...

Trin Tragula
n.b. The word 'lifetime' in the above phrase refers to the half-life of the chemical element francium.

MoldyLouWho
We guarantee that at some point in your life, you will be happy and/or have fun.

GlitterBellRock
.... OR DIE!!

AntiHero
and now things you CAN do with Happy Fun Ball:
* Go back 13 seconds in time
* Offer up animal sacrifices to it
* make SNL watchable

MoldyLouWho
Not Giddy Fun Ball, not Mildly Amused Fun Ball, NO substitutes will do!

AlexGariepy
Please do not take Happy Fun Ball Lite.

JohnSteed
And why you're out, be sure to get some CRYSTAL CLEAR PARTY ICE! Have you ever been to a party where the party ice wasn't clear? And how did that make you feel? Right, LIKE A LOSER! DON'T BE A LOSER! Pick up CRYSTAL CLEAR PARTY ICE! Now available: Semi-Clear Party Ice and Opaque Party Ice.

elKapitan
Just say NO to Generic Fun Ball.

Shockeye
Accepting Substitutes will cause Happy Fun Ball explode with the force of a nuclear warhead.

Trin Tragula
Replacements are fine, just not substitutes.

GlitterBellRock
Do not fuck with Happy Fun Ball.